Still Alive

I haven’t blogged in over a year.  This is actually my first post in 2011, how sad is that?  For those of you who have forgotten to remove me from your Google Reader and are still receiving this update, I am still alive and well here in the Northwest.

Big changes happened in 2011, a new Jones was birthed back in July by yours truly.

This 9 lb. 10 oz. whopper was born at home on the same bed on which he was conceived.  (You had to know that, right? But I think it’s pretty cool.) The birth went smoothly other than the fact that he was trying to come-out with his head turned sideways, so there was this whole situation of him being stuck, wondering if he was breech, and me thinking I was going to die.  After a lot of moving and twisting and screaming and crying, he changed position and came-out without complication. Sullivan Hillyer Jones.

Evelyne and Harris were decorating the house for Sullivan’s birthday, and they came-in our bedroom to welcome him as soon as he was born.  They actually saw him and kissed him before I did (as I was lying on the bed in a state of physical shock), and Evelyne cut his cord.  They’ve been obsessed with him every since.

Sullivan is 4.5 months old now, and I’m happy to report that he has redeemed my two previous experiences of hating the baby stage.  My little redemption baby.  He is a joy, and I am enjoying every minute of him being little.

Thanks to my two little friends, Zoloft and baby formula, our family has a happy mom for the first time with an infant in the house.  I’m happy, he’s happy, and we’re all just happy!  Another bonus is that sleeps!  I’ve never had a baby who sleeps before.  The night before last he slept for—wait, are you ready?— 13.5 hours STRAIGHT.  I’m not kidding.  When Evelyne and Harris were this age, I was waking-up with them on average 3-6 times a night.  They were a crying, miserable, sleep-deprived mess, and so was I.  But sweet Sullivan, he just does his thing, and it is wonderful. I earned this one.

 

This Blog Is Moving!

Hello, dear subscribers!  I know you haven’t heard from me in awhile, but I’ve been doing some rearranging around here and have moved my blog to a new domain:

www.letsbehonesthereblog.com

If you go to the original blog site, you’ll get forwarded to the new one.  But your subscription to the old feed won’t carry-over when I start posting from the new one.  (I think.)  So please make sure you update your feed readers with my new address so you can receive  updates!

(I know you’re all dying to hear from me!)

www.letsbehonesthereblog.com

A little something to make your day happier

Sunday morning thoughts.

This morning at church we were singing the song Wholly Yours by the David Crowder Band.  I’m familiar with the song, but I think this is the first time I’ve looked at the lyrics while listening to it, and it brought a couple of things to my mind.  Here is the part that stuck-out to me:

I am full of earth
You are heaven’s worth
I am stained with dirt, prone to depravity
You are everything that is bright and clean
The antonym of me
You are divinity
But a certain sign of grace is this
From a broken earth flowers come up
Pushing through the dirt

You are holy, holy, holy
All heaven cries “Holy, holy God”
You are holy, holy, holy
I wanna be holy like You are

You are everything that is bright and clean
And You’re covering me with Your majesty
And the truest sign of grace was this
From wounded hands redemption fell down
Liberating man

I like this song, and I’m definitely not trying to disagree with its message, but some of the wording made me wonder about what is missing in many of our popular messages of the spiritual life.  Part of this song is about juxtaposing the holiness of God with the sinfulness of man, how remarkable it is that He stoops down to make us His.  This is a great truth of the Christian faith, but sometimes I think that our emphasis on the differences between God and man means that we lose the significance of what is also true:  “Christ in you, the hope of glory.” (Colossians 1:27)

Because of Jesus, God is no longer “out there” in His holiness, He’s in here, in us.  Not only are we covered in His righteousness, He has transformed our hearts to be righteous.  Our soul used to be defined by its inclination toward depravity, now it is defined by the presence of the Holy Spirit and His activity in renewing us to reflect Jesus.  In its brokenness, our humanity is a distorted picture, a shattered glass of the image of God imprinted on our souls.  But His life enters and becomes one with ours, our souls are inhabited by His life, and the picture is pieced back together.  His mission is restoration of our humanity in all that it was intended to be.

So while I think that the words of this song are not untrue…God is divinity and we have feet of clay… it doesn’t tell the whole story.  While it does speak of our redemption,  I feel like it leaves out the best part.  God didn’t leave us in our sinful state.  He didn’t merely cover our darkness with His light and call it good, He went a step further and transformed our darkness into light.  Larry Crabb says, “But for every Christian person, the soul can be viewed not only as valuable but also as good.”  (The Safest Place on Earth, 96)  Without Jesus, the deepest part of my soul was a place of darkness, emptiness, and longing.   Now, the deepest part of who I am is enlivened by the presence of the Spirit.  He has made me good, He has made me holy.

Christ in you, the hope of glory.

A Missed Opportunity

This article was passed along to me recently, and it really bothered me.  Basically, what happened is that Bellevue Baptist Church in Memphis, TN made a decision to open their adult softball league to community teams that weren’t affiliated with the church.  The coaches of the teams who chose to participate went through an orientation/training before the season started, including Jana Jacobson.  After the training, Jacobson was approached by one of the pastors of the church to confirm suspicions that she was gay and let her know that her team was no longer allowed to play in the church softball league because it would appear to send a message of the church condoning her sexuality.

Now, let me be clear… I’m very familiar with this church.  I have dear friends and family members who are a part of this church, and I want to approach this issue as sensitively as I can.  Many Bellevue church members and other Christians probably think this was a wise decision, and I don’t doubt their sincerity of heart in wanting to be authentic in their beliefs.  I do, however, strongly disagree with this decision to not let the team play because there are gay players.

Here’s why:

1.  They are not church members.  This was a team from the community that had no affiliation to the church, or any church, whatsoever.  Bellevue had opened-up their league to community teams, and this team was simply looking for more games.  In 1 Corinthians 5:12, Paul says, “What business is it of mine to judge those outside of the church?  Are you not to judge those inside?”  In other words, Christians have no business putting moral restrictions on those who are not members of their own community and called to a life in Christ. Jacobson had agreed to abide by the league rules which included moral codes like no alcohol, smoking, cursing, etc…  This decision was not in reaction to lewd behavior or any outward rule that was broken, it was about what a few softball players chose to do in their private lives off the field.

2.  This decision singles-out “gayness” as a sin worthy of disassociating yourself from… but I’m pretty sure there were no morality tests for other coaches and players.  In a church that size, I’m willing to bet there are other softball players who are involved in some things that the church wouldn’t condone.  There’s gotta be at least one guy cheating on his wife… several who are addicted to pornography, and probably a good handful who are just really big jerks.  By choosing to put the gay coach out of the league, Bellevue is sending a message that the issue isn’t being sinful, it’s being gay.  Everything else is ignorable and forgivable…being gay isn’t.

3.  This sends the absolute wrong message to the gay community.  I can only imagine how hurtful and angering this is to the gay community in Memphis.  This team, mixed of gay and straight players, simply wanted to play softball.  They were willing to voluntarily associate themselves with a church whose spiritual beliefs about their sexuality were not affirming because they realized that it’s just a softball game.  This could have been an incredible opportunity for bridge-building.  This could have been a chance for church members to show this team some love and acceptance, maybe opening a door for one of them to want to visit the church.  Conversations and friendships could have been started.  This could have been a healing experience for someone who has been deeply hurt by the Church because they are gay, just to play a normal game of softball with some Christians.  For all of the missions and outreach this church does, this softball team came to them!  This could have been a chance for a church member to see his gay neighbor as a regular person to hit a ball from rather than the “other.”  This could have been a beautiful opportunity for God to create some healing bridges from the Church to the gay community, but instead, I think it has erected more walls.

4.  This sends-out a message of a morality-first, at any cost, type of Christian faith.  Bellevue put the “danger” of someone getting the wrong idea about how they feel about homosexuality (I’m pretty sure there’s not much confusion about this, they tend to be pretty clear in their convictions.) above relationships.  They cut-off relationship to a non-Christian because they thought she wasn’t moral and it would reflect badly on them.  This is not the love of Jesus.  This is a deeply disappointing reflection of our tendency to judge others and self-protect our image.

I’m truly saddened by this story.  My intention in writing this isn’t to bash Bellevue Baptist Church, it’s to give voice to what I believe to be an injustice.  Christians are not called to stay cloistered in a group that protects itself from outsiders who might be different or disagree with them.  Jesus himself sought-out people who the religious people of His day discarded and rejected in order to show them love and treat them as a beautiful soul created in His image.  And if I recall, He received some flak for it and His reputation was questioned, but He knew that love is more important than your public spiritual image.   I really wish Bellevue had seen it that way.

***As a sidenote, part of the reason this interests me so much right now is that a few months ago I read a great book called Love is an Orientation: Elevating the Conversation with the Gay Community by Andrew Marin. This book is about how to build bridges from the Church to the gay community… how Christians should be the ones to take the first step of showing love and reconciling relationships.  The first time I read it, I was blown away, challenged, and excited.  So starting July 1, I’m going to be hosting a book group through my church for anyone who wants to read and discuss this book.  I hope for the group to be a safe place to explore our experiences, thoughts, and biases against the gay community as well as explore in prayer and conversation how we as Christians can come alongside our gay brothers and sisters and show them love in their journey with God.  If anyone in the Seattle area is interested in being a part of this, let me know!

Diet Update

So yes.  I’m still doing the low-carb thing, and I have to say, I’m totally loving it.  So far I’ve lost about 14 (almost 15!) pounds, and I’m averaging about a pound a week.  The best part of this is that my wardrobe has practically doubled now that I’m finally fitting back into so many old clothes that were too tight after I had Harris.  There was one week where I finally fit back into about four pairs of pants that had been sitting in my closet all at once, and I just couldn’t believe how much my clothing options had totally grown.   I’m finally a couple of pounds underneath my pre-pregnancy weight (which was a little higher than I had liked it anyway), and everything beyond is this I’m considering bonus.  Since I’m still enjoying the way I’m eating and am still very motivated about my work-out, this feels very maintainable for me long-term, so I’m kinda curious how my body composition will continue to change.

What I’m eating on a daily basis is still pretty much the same as it has been when I started this about, oh, 5-6 months ago, and it’s become pretty normal and easy for me.  For breakfast every morning I eat two eggs with a lot of butter (got burned-out on scrambled, lately I’m loving fried) and coffee with cream.  For lunch I usually have a big salad, almost always consisting of a whole avocado and whatever other vegetables are lying around, and my homemade balsamic vinaigrette (just olive oil and balsamic vinegar), heavy on the dressing.  For dinner it’s usually a pretty standard meat of some sort with one or two vegetable sides that I cook in lots of butter or olive oil.  I don’t really snack anymore because I’m just not hungry for it, but if I do want one, it’s usually an apple with some almond butter.  Oh, and I’ve been experimenting with smoothies lately (inspired by this helpful post on making Primal smoothies) and have been mixing-up things like peanut or almond butter, avocado, yogurt/milk/or coconut milk, cocoa powder, spinach, and stevia.  You can’t taste the avocado, it just makes it smooth, and the chocolate/banana/nut butter combo is awesome.

I’m still having a hard time with the sweets, although I’m a lot better than I was.  Anytime you’re trying to lose weight, no matter what type of diet you’re on, ya gotta cut the sugar.  I do eat bread every once in awhile, particularly for the occasional grilled-cheese sandwich, but generally cutting-out the grains just isn’t that hard for me.  It’s the sugar that’s killing me.  I don’t really have physical sugar cravings anymore, it’s just mental.  Like after dinner… I know I’m not hungry at all (whereas before I started this diet I used to be hungry about two hours after dinner every single night), but I still feel like I NEED something sweet.   Sometimes I can distract myself until bedtime and sometimes I get a small something.  Lately I’ve been eating a small bowl of stevia-sweetened plain yogurt and that does it for me.  Or a glass of wine does a great job, too.  In fact, for awhile there I was still eating a dessert-type treat a few times a week and losing weight, but I’ve cut that out in the past couple of weeks and noticed that I seemed to immediately drop a couple of pounds.  However.  I have to admit.  I told Clay tonight that I was fondly remembering our old habit of making a batch of cookie dough and then eating it out of the bowl every night that week.  (I know!  How awful is that?!)  I really miss chocolate chip cookie dough.  So sometime soon, I’m totally gonna get a big spoon and go to town on a bowl of cookie dough, diet be damned!

So yeah, other than the occasional need for a sugar binge, this diet is really working for me.  I think the main reason is that for me, hunger has always been the culprit keeping me from losing weight.  I know now that much of my hunger was a legitimate physical reaction from insulin levels that were fluctuating all over the place from my high-carbohydrate/sugar diet, and by removing the stimulus, my hunger is completely different than it used to be.  Before, I would get hungry about two hours after a meal.  By three or four hours (if I had actually made it that long without snacking), I had that hollow, empty, I’m going-to-die-if-I-don’t-eat-right-now feeling in my stomach.  Several times a day.  Now, I start to feel kind of “not full” a couple hours after eating.  Then slowly, almost imperceptibly, my hunger gradually grows little by little until about 5-6 hours after a meal I’m like, “Yeah, I could eat.  I guess I’m actually kind of hungry.  It’s probably time to eat.”  Completely different experience for me, one that means that my life actually revolves around food way less than before I was trying to lose weight, oddly enough.  My hunger isn’t controlling my day, I’m not spending hours standing with the refrigerator door open thinking, “Oh gosh, I just ate two hours ago, I should really hold out longer, but I’m STARVING!!!”  For me, this is victory.  Weight loss is just a bonus.

I’m still doing my Body by Science workouts at the local YMCA, and I really enjoy it.  Here’s why I enjoy it:  I go once or twice a week.  It takes me about 15 minutes.  I’m seeing results.  That’s it.  Yep–that’s it.  (I use the rest of my allocated childcare time after my work-out to read a book and enjoy the free time!)  I only do five exercises on machines: row, shoulder press, lat. pull-down, chest press, and leg press.  And I only do one set of each exercise.  The difference is that I lift a ton more weight than I used to back when I thought it was a great idea to do several sets of 15 reps.  I lift heavy enough to where I can only do around 7-10 reps. and I’m at muscle failure by that point…. as in, I’m pushing the bar and it won’t go anywhere because my muscles are so shot.  The intensity is so much higher than anything I’ve done before that my muscles need much more time to rest in order to grow, hence only doing it once or twice a week.  I’m excited to see that I’m starting to notice some baby muscles appearing and as Clay will tell you, I’ve gotten a little obsessed with flexing in the mirror.  Ha!!!  Of course it’s nothing impressive, but I didn’t really have much going for me before I started this routine, so I’m kinda fascinated by the muscles I have gained!  (Oh, and yeah… that whole thing about women needing to lift lighter weights for more reps so they won’t get bulky?  Yeah, that’s totally a myth with no basis in basic physiology.  The majority of women don’t have what it takes to get bulky, and muscle has less mass than fat, so the more muscle you gain by lifting heavy things, the less room it takes up, which means the smaller you get.)  So I’m really enjoying what I’m doing, mostly because it doesn’t take-up very much time and I’m seeing results.  Oh, and I’m doing no cardio—yes, NO cardio.  I hate cardio, so I’m happy.

I was just remembering the last time I was in a weight-loss craze which was right before I got married.  Friends will remember this weight-loss plan that I titled “Project Sex.”  For about six months I worked my BUTT off.  I spent about 1.5-2 hrs. in the gym for about 5-6 days a week.  I remember that I would do 25 minutes of the elliptical machine, then run (ok, it was just an awkward jog!) for 45 minutes on the treadmill, and then do weights.  I changed my eating habits by trying to eat smaller portions, and thankfully I had roommates who cooked me healthy food.  But I do remember having a lot of standing in front of the open pantry while starving moments.  Much of it was simply training myself to be ok with feeling hungry all the time… because I was hungry all the time.  I lost weight, I think about 12 pounds or so, and I looked good.  (I started at a much lower weight than I did this time, so 12 pounds later, I was MUCH smaller than I am now!)  I think about that and compare it to my experience now, and it’s just funny to me.  Because what I’m doing now just really isn’t that hard for me.  I’m still eating lots of rich, satisfying foods that feel indulgent (Hollandaise sauce anyone?), I’m never hungry, and although my workouts are intense, I’m spending about 30 minutes per week max on them.  And I’ve lost almost 15 pounds.  Not that it’s super easy to change your eating habits, it’s taken effort to learn about the science behind what I’m doing and retrain my mind and food expectations… but seriously, compared to last time I lost a chunk of weight, this is just not really that hard.  (and I’m so glad because seriously, there’s no way to spend that much time at the gym when you have kids!)

So that’s it.  I’m just keeping on with what I’ve been doing, and it’s working-out great for me and feels really sustainable for the long-term.  (other than my necessary sugar binges!)  I’m planning for my next post to be about “common misconceptions about a low-carb diet” that just plain aren’t true, so if you have some questions about how this will affect my heart health or whether or not my body needs grains, etc…, hopefully that will answer some questions.  Although, if you have any specific questions, leave me a comment and I’ll try to make sure to answer it in the next post.

Uncovering Our Hidden Misogyny

Just stumbled across this and thought it was a great starting point for some really important ideas.  It’s a relatively brief video with a lot of important commentary in the area of both the Church and society when it comes to how women are treated.

I thought one of the most important parts of the discussion was at the end when we were encouraged to examine our own hearts for hidden contempt toward others.  All sexism or negative treatment of a group of people begins in our own heart.  Look for it, be open to letting others point it out, and be honest in how it affects the way you feel about others.

Uncovering Our Hidden Misogyny

A quick peek

Slowly peeking my head above ground… looking around to see if anyone is still here….???

Gosh, wow.  It’s been awhile.  And to be honest, it’s been kind of on purpose.  In several ways I feel kind of at a crossroads with my life, and this blog is one little part of that.  I’m struggling with what I want it to be, how to internally approach that, and how to let that be a healthy addition to my life.  There is a part of me that is really wanting to withdraw from this public platform of sharing my thoughts.  And yet there is so much that is good about it for me… I’m trying to imagine some parameters that will allow me to keep this a healthy thing in my life.

In the meantime, the kids and I are back in Seattle after a two-week vacation in Memphis.  The transition feels like stepping out of summer and back into winter… I flew back into Seattle wearing a tank-top and shorts and had to immediately come home and change into long sleeves and pants!  I rebelled against the weather this morning and wore sandals and short sleeves to church, and I shivered through most of the service.

I’ll leave you with a quote from the book I just started reading today… a book that is so far completely nailing my current experience and feelings about much of my life.

…In many ways I am a traditional at-home mom:  I’m there when the kids wake up, take naps, eat lunch, watch cartoons, drink their chocolate milk.  I carpool; I cook dinner; I play games on the floor; I bake like a champ.  But those things don’t give others the complete picture of who God made me to be.  Same thing with any other mom.  God gives important gifts to women that have nothing to do with conceiving, birthing (or adopting), and nurturing children.  We have God-given talents, passions, and interests that a mom badge just doesn’t bring to the fore.  You need to dig below mom level to find this out.  And when no one does, it gets lonely.

Mama’s Got a Fake I.D. : How to Reveal the Real You Behind All That Mom by Caryn Rivadeneirna

Marriage and Friendship

This for all of you out there who are reading this in a feed reader.  What was published yesterday was a small portion of what it was intended to be, the rest was accidentally deleted.  Unfortunately, the part that got published was the part where I ranted a little bit and not my reasoning behind it, so I probably came off pretty ridiculous.  Especially when I didn’t even finish all my sentences!  So I sat down and just spent a LOT of time rewriting this… I realize it’s long, but if you read what came out yesterday, please read this to understand the rest of the story.  I’d love to keep the comment conversation going, but perhaps we should move it to this post.

Clay and I had an interesting conversation last night.  It was one we’ve had before, but the topic came up again because it’s such a part of our every day experience.  We talked about the ways in which men and women interact in friendships, specifically how we’ve experienced our own interactions with the opposite sex since being married.  I would say that my general experience (and Clay agrees that this has been his as well) has been that most men that we are friends with, especially those that are the husbands of my friends, don’t really see me.  They’re nice and friendly, and perhaps we’ll share a laugh or two, but there’s no real person-to-person connection.  It’s as though I’m just their wife’s friend, just somebody else’s wife, just somebody’s mom… I don’t feel taken seriously like a whole person.  Don’t get me wrong, they’re perfect nice and congenial, there’s no rudeness or disrespect.  It’s just that it is rare that I experience a conversation or a friendship with a male that seems to understand that I’m my own person with my own qualities, experiences, thoughts, and contributions apart from the fact that I am a wife and mom.  And Clay pretty much feels the same way, probably more so.

I don’t really think this is the fault of the people we’re relating to, I think it’s due to what we’ve grown-up hearing about how to love your spouse and protect your marriage.  Christians are all about protecting the marriage, and for good reason, it’s a very important subject to pay attention to and discuss with your spouse.  And trust me, I take very seriously the sanctity of our marriage and we both are highly aware of not putting ourselves in compromising situations or relationships.   But that’s not what I’m talking about.  I’m talking about the kinds of friendships that often involve the presence of our respective spouses, not even anything super close or serious, simply just the kind of relationship where the person is appreciated for who they are as an individual.  I’m not talking about the boundary lines of whether you should go eat lunch together, talk on the phone together, ride in a car together, etc…  That’s a whole other conversation, one that I’m not willing to address!  And I’m not even really interested in that, honestly.  I’d simply just like a little human-t0-human conversation where there’s a freedom to be curious about the other person, his background, his thoughts, his heart, and his dreams.  Where he’s not afraid to hold eye contact with me, whether it’s for fear of no common ground to talk about or of an affair suddenly popping up, I’m not sure.

I think in our zeal to affair-proof marriages, Christians (perhaps non-Christians, too, but I’ve experienced this mostly with Christians) end up ignoring half of the population.  I feel like we’ve been so indoctrinated about the dangers of having a close relationship with someone of the opposite gender while you’re married (the negativity of that concept is debatable) that we only see each other as potential affairs waiting to happen should we engage in a real friendship.  We don’t actually see each other. We’re so scared that passions will be aroused that I think we actually over-sexualize each other.

Because, the reality is, I don’t want to have an affair with your husband.  In fact, I’m probably not attracted to him.  I might even find him annoying.  But I could be friends with him, and it could be a real friendship alongside you and my husband.  In fact, you could be friends with Clay!  Really, I don’t mind!  In fact, what IF we could actually all four be friends together, as in group togetherness, not just girls in one corner and guys in the other.  As in, it’s ok if another woman has a two-person conversation with Clay about more than just our kids while I have a conversation on the other side of the room with her husband.  I think this type of relating should be normal.  In fact, it used to be before we were married, most of us had friends of the opposite sex, and I would guess most of those friendships were appropriate and healthy.  We’ll have to redefine what it looks like to be friends with someone of the opposite sex other than our spouse, but rather than this being seen as walking the line of adultery, I think it’s called normal, healthy human relating.   I believe that the intent of all of our indoctrination on how to affair-proof your marriage is wonderful; marriage is sacred and worth taking intentional steps to protect.  But the extent to which this is sometimes taken is, I believe, not how God intends for the Body of Christ to function.

Image of God

Men and women are created in the image of God, and we each reflect his attributes in a distinctively male and female way.

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.  (Genesis 1:27)

Each gender is a different type of Man, and Man was created in God’s image.  Male and female represent this image in distinct ways, and it is our togetherness that reflects the complete picture.  We were not designed to function apart from the opposite sex but to live in holy community together.  Marriage is a specific picture of oneness that unites male and female, yet our spouse is the not only relationship to reflect the image of God.  Man and woman were created to complement one another in all of our relationships, not just our marriage.  In all areas of life men and women bring something different to the table, and God created us to work together in our strengths and weaknesses to more fully reflect His glory.  We were created to need each other, and I believe that God designed men and women to complement one another in all of His purposes for mankind.  To reduce this needing of one another to reflect the image of God to marriage is to miss out on the strengths we can offer each other and the blessings that come when we work together as originally intended.

Ruth Barton says, Our attitudes and relationships will be transformed as we consciously remind ourselves, “This man (or woman) reflects the image of God to me.  She (or he) is a royal priest just as I am, and I need her (or him) to work alongside me to carry out my priestly responsibilities.”

Body of Christ

Gender conflict has always occurred, but the God-given design and potential of men and women working harmoniously together in community is part of what makes the Body of Christ so unique.   God has given each of us spiritual gifts and strengths, and He wants us to use them to build-up the Church and to advance His mission in the world.   Paul described the Body working together in all its individual parts, and though different, they only truly function well when they work together.  To avoid any type of relationship other than a surface-level congeniality with the other gender is to not work together with half of the Body.  It messes-up its function.  We were created for healthy relationships that exhibit true teamwork. Paul argues, “To each one is given the gift of the Spirit for the common good… The eye cannot say to the hand, ‘I have no need of you’ “ (1 Cor. 12:7, 21)

In Christ, we relate to one another as family, brother and sister, and it is the presence of Jesus in us that transforms our relationships to the kind that reflect unity in Him.  In the Church, every man is my brother and I am his sister.  I think many affairs happen because we don’t take this seriously enough.  We don’t intentionally interact with an awareness of the presence of God in each other and the familial relationship that we share.  When a man relates to me simply on the basis of who I am as someone’s wife and someone’s mother, I being reduced to my roles and not acknowledged as a sister.  A sister is someone that you share your life with.  You don’t get romantic, you probably don’t touch a whole lot (unless you’re a super touchy-feely family, I guess!), and you don’t spend a lot of time gazing in each other’s eyes.  But you do speak honestly about your heart and your life.  You do spend time together amongst other family members, and you do acknowledge that this sister is different from your other sisters and brothers, she’s an individual, married or not, and worth getting to know based on her individual traits.  I think some of us have been indoctrinated to be so afraid of the opposite sex in case we accidentally have an affair that we’ve completely lost a real understanding of familial relationships in Christ.  And for this, we lose, we miss out.  We miss-out on knowing our brothers and sisters and everything they have to give.  We miss learning from them, laughing with them, and sharing with them.  We miss all of the blessings that God gives people who love each other with His love.

Unity

One of the hallmarks of the Church should be unity.  In John 17 Jesus prayed that we would become one heart and mind, and that we would be unified and together as he and the Father are.  I’m pretty sure he didn’t mean that this only applies as women relate with women and men relate with men.   The Church is made of relationships, and how people actually get to the point where they are “of one heart and mind” is by being in relationship, not sitting next to each other on Sunday morning.  Paul exhorts the people of the church to build-up one another, show each other love, and the nuts and bolts of how this actually happens is through relationship.

I think that the process of seeking a unity of the heart that goes across gender lines is scary because it we’re told that in order to avoid an affair, we have to hold our cards close and avoid any intimate sharing that could allow for emotional attachment.  While I believe it is extremely important to be vigilant in examining our hearts in our relationships with the opposite gender, Christian love necessitates that there be a certain level of honesty and depth in healthy relationships.  When we resort to keeping one another at arm’s length in order that we don’t fall into temptation, we’re acting from what is natural in us, not what is supernatural.  We’re focusing on our old nature and forgetting that we have a new one.  Although our intentions are pure, we’re rejecting what is good, what’s a gift from God.  We’re missing an opportunity to bring this relationship to God and let Him transform it.  We’re missing an opportunity to let God teach us how to have self-control and a heart that is open to His voice in our relationships.  We’re missing the chance to let God develop integrity in us as we relate to those of the opposite gender, turning what may initially be weird emotions into a holy respect.   Unity is not achieved when we all agree and think the same and are the same gender, it’s when we allow God to redeem our differences.  Holy unity among men and women doesn’t mean that there have never been any messy emotions or situations, it means that He has redeemed and transformed them into something beautiful.

In a post about lust in women, Jonalyn Fincher writes of her experience of transforming covetousness toward a man other than her husband into an opportunity to invite Jesus into her experience and allow Him to transform her heart.

I was lusting after that guy. I wanted him to notice me, and I wanted to let our eyes rest into each other and I wanted to distract him and I wanted to check him out a lot more. Why? well it wasn’t to tell him about Jesus.

Typically in situations like these, my first response is some serious reining in and self-talk. Something like, “Jonalyn, that’s wrong. God doesn’t want you to think of him like that, stop it right now.” You know the ol’ accountability line.

But, since I’ve been reading Letters by a Modern Mystic which has been teaching me to invite Jesus into everything, I steered around my blamey self talk and prayed instead, “Jesus, I invite you into my lust.”

And I went back to my conversation with my friend.

Then, in a flash, something changed, not about the man (he was still tempting to look at), but about my eyes. I felt like light had cracked open in the restaurant and I was seeing things clearly.

A lull in our conversation gave me a chance to lift my head and really look at that man across the restaurant. He was sitting with a man, perhaps his father, and a woman, presumably his wife. I felt his presence as a son, a brother, a father, a husband. The last one completely changed me.

I do not struggle with lusting after my family members, nor those who I clearly see in familial roles to me. I see them as friends, members of my family and therefore easily respect them. In that moment, after uttering a prayer, Jesus came into my lust and reformed my eyes to see the man as a human, made in God’s image.

My desire for him as an object to possess melted and I saw him as someone worthy of my respect. I know I could have bumped into him later and not been afraid to look at him.

So, all that said… I really don’t want to be best friends with your husband, or any other man.  I have no ambitions toward that.  I’m not even arguing that we should have close friends of opposite gender other than our spouse.  That is a valuable discussion, but I’m so not even going there.  What I’m after?  I’m after men and women relating like normal, adult human beings.  Acknowledging that God works in all situations, and we are not endangering our marriage when we have a conversation that’s more than a passing “hello” with a person of the opposite gender.

I actually wrote this because I’ve had a few good interactions with men lately, not because I’ve had bad ones.  I’ve had several conversations that somehow felt different from what I’m used to.  Not because of the content of them, but rather because I felt like I was honored as a human, someone who bears of the image of God and has something worthwhile to say.  They men weren’t paying any special attention to me, it wasn’t an intense conversation, we weren’t gazing into each other’s eyes, they weren’t trying to uncover the depths of my soul, I don’t even really know them super well.  Maybe it was just the fact that I was included in the conversation as an equal, I wasn’t patronized with awkwardness, I was treated as though I was just a normal person.  And there was something that was very life-giving about that.  It wasn’t about me needing something from them, rather I think it’s about the fact that that kind of normal, honest relating with all sorts of different types of people is what our souls were designed for.  We were meant to be in relationship with people of both genders, and when we’re not, something is missing.  I think I simply noticed that something that had been missing lately, and when it was given to me, it felt holy and good.

Several previous friendships with men come to my mind as being blessings from God.  Some were before I was married, some were after.  Sometimes the men were married, sometimes they weren’t.  These relationships occurred in the context of community, had distinct boundaries, and I believe were honoring to God.  Somehow they helped to round-out the overwhelmingly female influence in my life, and there have been times when a distinctively male input made a difference.  There have been times when God has used men to discern His voice for me, to show me His heart, and I don’t know if I would have received it in the same way had they been female due to His unique imprint of His image on a man’s soul.

So, what about Clay?  Shouldn’t he be my everything, the only man I’ll ever need?  Why would I need male input on my life aside from him?  Well, I’ll just say that I don’t believe Clay is a god-like representative of all of the male population.  I don’t believe that marriage is intended to be the only friendship with a man I’ll ever have in my life.  I’m not out scoping for a new guy best friend, far from it, but I think Clay would be cool if somewhere along the way I connected with a guy and every once in awhile we’d stop in the hallway at church to have a conversation.  In fact, Clay has always been the type of guy who relates well with girls, long before I met him.  And reality is, I’m not The Perfect Girl.  I’m perfect to be his wife and his companion in life, but I don’t fill his needs for friendship in all areas of his life, and I’m ok with that, I don’t think I was ever meant to.

And now…. I’m done.  Wow, I wrote way too much on this and now it’s late and I’m tired.  So, no clever conclusion paragraph.  Just….

The End.

Public Service Announcement

DON’T just decide one day that although you’ve never had bangs in your life, you really want them now.

DON’T watch a few YouTube videos about how to cut bangs, take some scissors in the bathroom and start wacking away, confident that you know what you’re doing and somehow you’ll just make it work.

DON’T grab a really huge hunk of hair and just make one big cut, having no idea how thick your bangs should be or how far back on your head will look good.

If you still choose to do the above actions, DON’T cut them too short and DON’T forget to angle them longer toward the back.

If you don’t heed my advice, your hair might end up like this.

And don’t think that you can just push them forward and wear them down your forehead because they’ll probably look like this.

If you find yourself in this situation, rest assured, you will quickly learn to become adept with bobby pins and various creative ways of pinning your hair back so the general public isn’t aware of your awful decision-making and hair-cutting abilities.  This stage is guaranteed to last at least a month…. perhaps much, much longer.