Rocking thoughts.

Yeah, scratch that about being uninspired.  There’s nothing like rocking your baby to sleep that will inspire the heart. 

Evelyne goes to bed at 7.  While we’ve had our major ups and downs, over the past few months she’s become a wonderful nighttime sleeper.  Clay has been reading her books and rocking her almost to sleep and then putting her to bed lately.  He’s not home tonight, and while that’s usually not a problem, apparently something was off with her.  She cried after I put her down, so I gave her just a couple of minutes and then went back in there to rock her some more since she hardly ever does this.  Put her back down.  Cried again.  She never does this.  Went back in and rocked her to sleep.  She woke-up 10 minutes later and fussed off and on for the next 30 minutes while trying so hard to get back to sleep.  (we have a video monitor, so I could see her squirming around with her face in the mattress)  I just went BACK in there to rock her after she started really crying again (this was an hour after I put her down originally!).  I *hope* she’s down for the count now.  She didn’t wake-up when I put her down.

ANYWAY.  I was rocking her and she was just so sweet with her head next to my cheek and her little feet dangling…  Since I rarely rock her to sleep anymore, every time I do it seems like I get super sentimental about her growing-up.  She’s already big enough to where it’s getting a little tight in the rocking chair, we have to do some manuevering to get her comfortable.  In less than a year she’ll be 2.  It was NOT that long ago that she was a tiny infant… I mean, really not that long ago!  Is this how I’m going to feel with every stage of her life, that baby Evelyne was just five minutes ago? 

I was thinking of how God gives us no guarantees in life about what’s going to happen.  Pretty much everything is up in the air.  I don’t know if Evelyne’s going to live until she’s 4 or 94.  I don’t know if I’m going to live another day or another 50 years.  I don’t know if she’ll love me or hate me in another 15 years.  All the what-ifs seriously scare the crap out of me when I really think about it, way more than it used to before I had her.

 But the big thing that I always think about is how I really really hope that she knows when she’s older how much I love her.  I mean, REALLY.  I always wonder what would happen if I die while she’s still so young… when she’s 18 is she going to have any concept of how loved she was?  Will Clay tell her how many tears I’ve shed over her?  Will she ever know that my whole life revolves around her? 

Will she still let me kiss and cuddle her in another few years?  How old is she going to be when she starts pulling away from my kisses?  Will she still love me as much as she does now when she’s older?  I can’t wait to see the person she’s going to become, and for that I look foward to the future.  But I’m desperately sad about losing my baby.  And for that I wish time would freeze and we would always stay just like we are now.  I had no idea that watching her grow-up would be such an intensley emotional experience for me.  I’m actually crying writing this and thinking about how I can’t hold-on tight enough to keep her from growing-up and one day leaving me.  I know it’s the way God designed things to be, but it is gut-wrenchingly painful to watch every bit of her life being another way she is slowly separating from me.  From the time she was born and the cord was cut to learning to crawl, to weaning, to walking…  I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m an indecent emotional mess at her wedding.  Maybe I should sit in the back row instead of the front. 

This morning we had Evelyne’s Baby Dedication at our church.  I was thinking last night about how I’m not quite to that point where I fully GET the fact that God created her for Himself, not just for me.  That her life has the potential to make a great imact in the kingdom.  I have a hard time looking that far ahead in the future…. it’s just not real to me.  I know that God created her soul in His image and designed her to reflect Christ.  And I pray that I will look foward to the future when He grows her into the woman she is destined to be.  I know that our relationship will change, and part of that will consist of mourning and letting-go…but a great part of that will be rejoicing and happiness for the future our relationship has. 

 Father, teach me to hold her with an open hand and be willing to slowly let go of her as she gets older…

See also Scary Love