So here’s the thing, Internet. I love to blog. I really do. I started this blog when Evelyne was the age Harris is now (14 months) and I was finding myself with a lot of extra time on my hands. (One thing about parenting that I’ve learned, it goes in seasons. After a rough first year, Evelyne emerged as the kind of toddler who liked to toddle around playing by herself for hours at a time and I thought I had it made. For most of her second year of life, I was generally bored most days and I had to find things to do with myself because she was so happy to play by herself. And then it all changed and now I can’t go to the bathroom by myself. Seasons.) As I came out of the first year of motherhood, I was also finding myself with lots of thoughts. Lots and lots of thoughts and not many outlets for them. I think Clay was getting tired of me talking his ear off all the time about my thoughts, so I decided to write them down and introduce myself to the Internet.
And I loved it. I loved it because I like writing, this kind of writing… the kind of writing that’s almost like journaling even when it’s not about my innermost thoughts. It helps me to slow down all the thoughts in my head and separate them out into coherent ideas and write them down to see if they make sense. And then, if I’m lucky, I get feedback! And I’ve had a lot of great feedback at times, great conversations happening in the comments section. (Anyone remember my Hot Topics series??? Should I revive it???) And so many of my readers are friends and family, so I love to stay in touch that way.
Over the past couple of years I’ve observed something about myself. One of the biggest parts of my personality is that I’m a learner. A very curious learner. (If you know me, you’re probably saying “duh!”) I’m literally curious about almost everything. And I have the kind of curiosity that drives me to find-out answers to my questions. Google is my best friend, and I use it very often, everything the past couple of days from recipes to how to raise chickens in your back yard to Sufism to geneaology to theology, etc, etc, etc…. If something during my day sparks an interest, I have to find out more. So onto the Internet I go, and sometimes it takes two minutes, sometimes I’m captivated by some random topic for an hour. I’m a major information taker inner. So I usually have a ton of thoughts swirling about in my head, things I’m thinking about and trying to figure out…. and writing all those thoughts down and inviting other people to join me in thinking about it has been a very healthy thing for me. I get excited about the things I’m learning, and I love to share them.
But here’s something else that I’ve thought about over the past two years of writing this blog. I censor myself a lot on here, and that bothers me. I know that so many friends and family are readers, and when I’m writing, I’m very aware of that. And being the non-confrontational kind of person I am, I don’t want to write something that I know people will disagree with… people that I’ll have to see in person and have conversations and relationships with. But honestly, I’m kinda non-conventional about some things. I do have thoughts and beliefs that I know people will disagree with, and I’m ok with that. And I feel like I’m not being 100% myself by not writing about things that mean a lot to me and things I spend a lot of time thinking about simply because I’m afraid of disagreeing with people. So, I’m going to try to be more honestly myself… don’t get me wrong, I’m always honest in the things I write (hence, the title of the blog!), but there are things that I don’t write about… things that I want to write about, things that I think would make for meaningful thought and conversation. They’re just topics that might be controversial to some people, and I’m nervous about going there. But I’m going to try to challenge myself to go there.
So, that’s why I blog. (You know what’s funny, I started this post to be something totally different, but I realize that it’s not going to be, so I just had to go change the title…) I do it mostly for me, for the same reasons that I like to journal. And yet, I’m a lazy person. It’s so much easier to watch another episode of How I Met Your Mother (BEST show on television, BTW!) than to engage mine and my readers’ minds with intelligible thoughts. And it’s so much easier to read other people’s thoughts and to take in information than to integrate that information into my own thoughts and put it on paper. (screen?) So, that’s what I have a hard time with. That’s why blogging is a discipline for me, because I honestly believe that it is healthy and good for me, and isn’t it always kind of a struggle to do what’s good for us?
So, I’m gonna try to get this gig up and running again, back to its former glory (ha!) because honestly, I have the time. I have no excuse other than laziness… and not like I think everyone who reads this is checking this daily and devastated when there is no update… I really want to do this for myself. Because I love it and because it’s good for me.