Just like the Sesame Street song that I hear daily, I think I’m starting to have more “sunny days, everything’s a-ok” than I have in the past three months. Part of that is because the sun is actually out here in Seattle, and after a long, dark winter, it’s a very welcome change! We have really awful lighting in our house (unfortunately we rent, so we can’t change much) and it’s situated to where we rarely get any direct sunlight in our windows, so it felt like I’ve been living in a dark tomb for six months. Now that the time has changed and the days are sunnier, my living room isn’t quite so depressing, and that’s a very good thing.
Things are also starting to look brighter with Harris. He’s three months old now, and although he’s still not a great sleeper (lately he’s up around 4-7 times a night), his little personality is starting to come-out and those smiles are getting bigger and sweeter every day. It can’t be underestimated how much those smiles make the sleepless nights somehow ok in the morning. There definitely is a lot of improvement in his general mood and fussiness, as long as I stay on top of him and make sure he has enough sleep during the day, there isn’t usually any random hysterical crying like there used to be. (unless we’re in the car and he’s tired, he still won’t fall asleep in the carseat, so we do have to endure some screaming) But now that he’s older and more aware of his environment, he’s a bit more adaptable and just fusses more than screams, so that’s at least a bit more manageable. But aside from all that, he’s really a sweetheart who gives the brightest and most endearing smiles and giggles that make my day.
Even though there are still lots of crazy days where nothing I do seems to work for him, I feel like we’re emerging from the worst of it and the next few months are going to be much happier. I realized today that I really feel like a huge weight has lifted off my shoulders and somehow I’ve gotten back to being more myself than I have been for the past 3 months. For awhile there, things were really touch and go, if I’m gonna be honest. (And I guess I will be since that’s the name of my blog, eh?) I had some pretty dark weeks where I really thought I was slipping into a depression, and I guess in some ways I kinda was. There’s just only so much crying and nursing and sleep deprivation that a person can handle while trying to entertain a two year-old! And I guess not a ton has changed except that his mood is a bit more stable now. He’s still nursing every couple of hours day and night, and I’m not really getting anymore sleep than I have been since he’s been born. But somehow it’s more ok now. I’m still tired, and I still get kinda annoyed sometimes, but I’m starting to feel like, “Hey, we’re makin’ it. We’re through the worst, and it’s just gonna get better from here on out.”
Some mornings I wake-up (usually after having only been asleep for about 30 minutes) and think, “Oh my GOSH. I’m so tired, I’ve practically been awake since 4:30 a.m. and now two kids are crying from their beds for me to come get them, Clay’s leaving for work, and how in the world am I going to handle this day?” But every day God answers my prayers for strength and endurance, and the day almost always ends-up perfectly fine. A yawn here and there, but nothing so terrible. And on the days when I think, “Oh my gosh, I can’t do this. I just can’t do it,” I’m reminded that I AM doing it. I’ve been doing it, and I’ll keep on doing it, and day by day, things will keep getting better. One day I will sleep again. One day probably not anytime soon, but it is in my future. And until then, God and my kids’ smiles and kisses will sustain me.