Mommy Guilt

Never have I known so much Mommy Guilt as I have in the past three months.  Of course I have messed-up with Evelyne and felt guilty about it in the past two years, but it’s pretty much a daily thing now.  It sucks.

*Spending soooo much time in the back bedroom trying to get Harris to sleep and hearing Evelyne crying, “Mommy?  Mommy?” from the other room—Mommy Guilt.

*Holding Harris so he won’t wake-up after I just spent 30 minutes getting him to sleep and having to tell Evelyne that I’m sorry, but you’ll have to wait just a little bit until I can change your poopy diaper–Mommy Guilt.

*Hearing Harris cry in the other room while I give Evelyne some much-needed one-on-one time—Mommy Guilt.

*Keeping Evelyne up past her naptime because I have to get Harris to sleep first, even though I know she’s exhausted and will probably be fussy and feel badly later—Mommy Guilt.

*Feeling like I’ve hardly given much face time to Harris because he’s been contentedly sitting in the bouncy seat since he woke-up and it’s the only time I get to hold Evelyne, and now it’s time to get him to sleep again–Mommy Guilt.

*Always telling Evelyne that she needs to wait or that I can’t do what she needs me to right now because I’m holding Harris—Mommy Guilt.

*Hearing Evelyne “I want to hold Mommy!” and crying because she just needs a cuddle, but my arms are already full of baby, and she has to wait yet again.  And all I want to do is hold her and not the baby—Mommy Guilt.

 

I know that over time this all gets worked-out, and as Harris gets older he’ll grow to be her best friend and the greatest gift I could give her.  But right now it’s really hard to feel like no matter what I do, one of my kids is going to be crying for me.  I just keep telling myself that I’m doing the best I can and that’s all I can do.  That’s all I can do right now.  I feel like I’m constantly making mistakes and am so afraid of screwing them up, my daily prayer is for the Lord to cover my mistakes and to comfort them when I can’t.  I’m asking for wisdom a lot, too, because it seems there are constantly decisions to make where I simply don’t know what’s best.  It’s a scary thing when you have the power to make daily decisions that will affect the lives of the ones you love the most, and it’s hard to have to consider what’s best for everyone involved, not just the individual.  Everyone ends-up making sacrifices.  But, I’m doing the best I can, and that’s all I can do.

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4 responses to “Mommy Guilt

  1. I feel your pain girl. I remember, not long after Presley was born, thinking “Oh my goodness, my sons ‘baby days’ are being stolen from him!” It broke my heart that I couldn’t be the Mom for them that I was for Bailey. It does get better though. But I don’t think Mommy guilt ever really goes away. Just wait until you forget to pick one of them up for school because it is a half day! I still feel the pain from that one!!!

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  2. you’re scaring me. i mean, really scaring me.

    we’ve been having a really tough month so far, and i fear it’s because charlotte is dealing with the sense that things are about to change around here. i am more exhausted than ever at the end of this pregnancy, and dealing with her being difficult is about to put me over the edge. i fear we’re in for a very difficult adjustment to the new baby…the mommy guilt might kill me faster than the sleep deprivation. please tell me there are good moments?

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  3. Well, you won’t be as exhausted after you have your baby! Less sleep, but probably more energy, so that’s a good thing! =) You might be surprised with Charlotte, she might deal with things better than you expect. Evelyne still seems to hardly notice Harris unless I’m spending a lot of time holding him and can’t do things for her, but really, she got used to it pretty fast. (and I’ve gotten really good at doing everything with one hand!) There are some really hellish days when I just feel awful for her, but then there are great days when she just doesn’t care when I tell her she has to wait, she’s gotten used to it. I think she’s just now starting to get more jealous of him, something with her developmental emotions, I think. In the beginning she was great. This also nicely coincides with the fact that he’s getting ever-so-slightly easier now that he’s three months. Now that I can look back and realize that we made it through the first few months, I can see how the next few are going to fly-by and before I know it he’s going to be crawling around playing, and I’m holding my breath for when he turns 1 and they get to be more playmates. I think I’m really going to love that that stage. I’m seeing the pinprick of light at the end of the tunnel and how in a few months I’m really gonna love this whole two-kid thing. Odds are that you won’t have a colicky baby like mine, but I would read through Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child before you deliver just to remind yourself of all the young baby sleep stuff, I think so much of Harris’ problems in the beginning were sleep problems that I was attributing to breastfeeding problems, I should’ve brushed-up on my sleep stuff better. Don’t worry, you can totally do this, and I think Charlotte will surprise you with how sweet she is to the baby and how well she adjusts. =)

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  4. OMG! I am totally in the same spot. My son (4 mo) is usually content to sit in a swing or bouncy chair –he’s really laidback– while I take care of my daughter (20 mo), but I feel SO guilty that I am not giving him that super-important cuddle and talk time! What’s a mommy to do?!? What is the age difference between your kids?

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