Never have I known so much Mommy Guilt as I have in the past three months. Of course I have messed-up with Evelyne and felt guilty about it in the past two years, but it’s pretty much a daily thing now. It sucks.
*Spending soooo much time in the back bedroom trying to get Harris to sleep and hearing Evelyne crying, “Mommy? Mommy?” from the other room—Mommy Guilt.
*Holding Harris so he won’t wake-up after I just spent 30 minutes getting him to sleep and having to tell Evelyne that I’m sorry, but you’ll have to wait just a little bit until I can change your poopy diaper–Mommy Guilt.
*Hearing Harris cry in the other room while I give Evelyne some much-needed one-on-one time—Mommy Guilt.
*Keeping Evelyne up past her naptime because I have to get Harris to sleep first, even though I know she’s exhausted and will probably be fussy and feel badly later—Mommy Guilt.
*Feeling like I’ve hardly given much face time to Harris because he’s been contentedly sitting in the bouncy seat since he woke-up and it’s the only time I get to hold Evelyne, and now it’s time to get him to sleep again–Mommy Guilt.
*Always telling Evelyne that she needs to wait or that I can’t do what she needs me to right now because I’m holding Harris—Mommy Guilt.
*Hearing Evelyne “I want to hold Mommy!” and crying because she just needs a cuddle, but my arms are already full of baby, and she has to wait yet again. And all I want to do is hold her and not the baby—Mommy Guilt.
I know that over time this all gets worked-out, and as Harris gets older he’ll grow to be her best friend and the greatest gift I could give her. But right now it’s really hard to feel like no matter what I do, one of my kids is going to be crying for me. I just keep telling myself that I’m doing the best I can and that’s all I can do. That’s all I can do right now. I feel like I’m constantly making mistakes and am so afraid of screwing them up, my daily prayer is for the Lord to cover my mistakes and to comfort them when I can’t. I’m asking for wisdom a lot, too, because it seems there are constantly decisions to make where I simply don’t know what’s best. It’s a scary thing when you have the power to make daily decisions that will affect the lives of the ones you love the most, and it’s hard to have to consider what’s best for everyone involved, not just the individual. Everyone ends-up making sacrifices. But, I’m doing the best I can, and that’s all I can do.