When will this day be OVER?!!!!

That’s what I thought several times today.  Today was one of THOSE DAYS.  One of those days when I really thought to myself, “Maybe I’m not cut-out for this motherhood thing.”  A day when I really lost my temper and got angry, and there might have been a sippy cup thrown across the room….  (reminds me of the days when Evelyne was younger and wouldn’t sleep and Clay and I would throw pacifiers across the room out of frustration!)

She’s just so damn needy!!!!  I don’t know if it’s because she’s got more teeth coming-in or what, but she is just so clingy and whiney!  Alll daaayyy loooonggg!!!  I was holding-out for naptime.  Which lasted all of 45 minutes.  Just like yesterday.  That’s when I got mad.  Like I said in my other post, don’t TALK to me about babies and sleep unless your baby sleeps as bad as mine!  Forty-five FREAKING minutes all day LONG!  Then of course she was totally clingy when I got her up.  And when I say Evelyne is clingy, I’m not talking about, Oh sweet widdle baby wants to be cuddled and sit in Mommy’s lap.   I’m talking about she paws at me and then when I bring her in my lap, she squirms and stands-up and bangs on my computer and twists and tries to crawl-up my chest.  There is no cuddling involved.  She’s only content to be held if I’m standing-up.  Which I will not do for 11 hours a day. 

I mean, am I the only one that gets to that point where you just want to turn to them and say, “SHUT-UP!!!!!”  Eleven hours a day is a long time to be whined and pawed-at by a short little person.  Then my mind goes to the fact that we want to have another baby in the next year or so.  How in the world am I going to do this with two or more?  It’s just HARD. 

I ended-up going to my mom’s house this afternoon, so that cheered me up and distracted Ev.  I was thinking as I was driving over there, “God, I am not cut-out to be a mother.  I am not doing this well.”  Then it hit me, of course I’m not.  Because being a mother or a father is a reflection of who God is.  The Bible uses both mother and father imagery to describe the way that God parents us.  So, if he’s the ultimate Mother/Father, then our experience as parents to our children should be one of progressively growing and conforming to His heart. 

So I realized… of course I’m not cut-out to be a mother.  That’s something that He’s going to have to develop in me.  Just like I didn’t get married already being a great wife, it’s something I’m still growing into.   A really great mother doesn’t let her own selfishness take center stage or expect that her child behave in a way that’s easier for her own happiness… Those things do come naturally to me.  So I guess where I ended-up today is realizing that the way I am naturally is not nearly a picture of an ideal mom.  A lot of things about parenthood go way against my nature.  But maybe that’s the point.  Parenthood is one more thing that God is using in my sanctification, one more way that He challenges me to not walk according to my flesh but in the Spirit.  So no, I’m not really cut-out to be a great mom, but through his Spirit in me, I pray that He will transform me into a mom that will model some of His parenting traits to my children.


8 responses to “When will this day be OVER?!!!!

  1. Hey, just stumbled on to your blog.

    Yeah, my son who is now 17 months also slept horrible. I have to read a little more of your blog to see how old your little one is, but I swear my kid never slept.

    He had acid reflux and repeated ear infections and I know that didn’t help.
    Hang in there.
    I’ll pray for you as well.
    Things are not always easy and you are not the only mom whose ever thought: “shut up!” or shouted it at their kid. I have and felt guilty later.

    Wish I had stumbled on to this post awhile back when Jonathan was so clingy (although he still is)
    Hang in there!


  2. oh, em, i’m in it too. i almost called you yesterday afternoon, because i was truly to the point of breaking down, and just needed someone to talk some sense into me! this is the first week in FOREVER that i have been pushed to tears. it’s felt like i was back in those early months – the crying, the teething, the not sleeping – and yes, the clinging. that’s a new part, and it is HARD to deal with. i guess we’ve entered the separation anxiety phase. i can’t walk out of her sight without her dissolving into tears. we’re coming off of 2 days with no afternoon nap at all. tuesday, all i could get out of here was a 45 minute nap at lunch time. seriously, people just DO NOT understand what it’s like to have a child who absolutely REFUSES to sleep. i know you do though, and that is why you are my friend. i hope and pray that today is better for both of us. the weekend is here – praise the Lord for that!


  3. Seriously, Courtney. I can’t wait to go to bed at night but then I know when I do I’ll just be woken-up by crying to start it all over again! I mean, not like I don’t like being around her, it’s just days like that when it’s so hard and I kinda just want to lock myself in my bedroom and hide under my covers all afternoon. Someone needs to make a Baby Ambien or something, they’d make a fortune!


  4. Being the mother of two boys with pretty good sleeping habits, my heart goes out to you both, Emily and Courtney.. and all of those other Mamas out there with babies who don’t sleep. I’m proud of your resilience and dependency on God in the hard times. Chapman had colic for his first two months of life, and I rocked him to sleep every night bawling my eyes out right along with him for probably six weeks straight. It did get better with time, and I hope that’s the case with you guys as well.


  5. oh ladies- i am with you! thanks for reminding me that i’m not in it alone!! your honestly is refreshing. being a mama is not all wonderful feelings- sometimes it stinks. and you CAN do it with more children. you will just fail more- and realize more that you can’t do it, but God can give you the strength to do it. trust me, i didn’t think 6 1/2 years after i got married i’d be mama to three kids ages 5 and under. i want to tell that girl in the wedding pictures, “you have no idea what your life is going to be like”- it’s pure joy and pure hell -depending on the minute. i have a toddler right now that hits- me- when she’s angry. it’s not flying at our house, but it’s hard to be consistent in discipline when all you want to do is put her outside for awhile. but at least russ gets home tonight after 4 days on a business trip.


  6. all i have to say is- you are a brilliant writer/thinker/philosophier (sp?), restless baby and all.


  7. day 3. only 1 nap. she’s been awake since 9:45 AM. what the crap? it’s 6:15 PM and i already put her to sleep. except she’s still awake and crying. but, hey, i’m being sanctified!


  8. Stumbled on your blog…I have 8 kids…none have been sleepers…and your post was really insightful, and a nice reminder to an old mama that it really is ok…and God really has done some cool work in me…and I guess He isn’t done yet…

    Someday, you’ll be glad for every bit of the patience and perseverence you are gaining here…and you’ll forget all about how hard it was…I know I hear older moms all the time talking who don’t know I am still going through it, the high school moms, and they have totally forgotten how much work you are doing right this minute.

    But I haven’t! Cuz here I am still doing it…though my littlest is finally starting to sleep on his own…So keep up the good work!!


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