That’s what I thought several times today. Today was one of THOSE DAYS. One of those days when I really thought to myself, “Maybe I’m not cut-out for this motherhood thing.” A day when I really lost my temper and got angry, and there might have been a sippy cup thrown across the room…. (reminds me of the days when Evelyne was younger and wouldn’t sleep and Clay and I would throw pacifiers across the room out of frustration!)
She’s just so damn needy!!!! I don’t know if it’s because she’s got more teeth coming-in or what, but she is just so clingy and whiney! Alll daaayyy loooonggg!!! I was holding-out for naptime. Which lasted all of 45 minutes. Just like yesterday. That’s when I got mad. Like I said in my other post, don’t TALK to me about babies and sleep unless your baby sleeps as bad as mine! Forty-five FREAKING minutes all day LONG! Then of course she was totally clingy when I got her up. And when I say Evelyne is clingy, I’m not talking about, Oh sweet widdle baby wants to be cuddled and sit in Mommy’s lap. I’m talking about she paws at me and then when I bring her in my lap, she squirms and stands-up and bangs on my computer and twists and tries to crawl-up my chest. There is no cuddling involved. She’s only content to be held if I’m standing-up. Which I will not do for 11 hours a day.
I mean, am I the only one that gets to that point where you just want to turn to them and say, “SHUT-UP!!!!!” Eleven hours a day is a long time to be whined and pawed-at by a short little person. Then my mind goes to the fact that we want to have another baby in the next year or so. How in the world am I going to do this with two or more? It’s just HARD.
I ended-up going to my mom’s house this afternoon, so that cheered me up and distracted Ev. I was thinking as I was driving over there, “God, I am not cut-out to be a mother. I am not doing this well.” Then it hit me, of course I’m not. Because being a mother or a father is a reflection of who God is. The Bible uses both mother and father imagery to describe the way that God parents us. So, if he’s the ultimate Mother/Father, then our experience as parents to our children should be one of progressively growing and conforming to His heart.
So I realized… of course I’m not cut-out to be a mother. That’s something that He’s going to have to develop in me. Just like I didn’t get married already being a great wife, it’s something I’m still growing into. A really great mother doesn’t let her own selfishness take center stage or expect that her child behave in a way that’s easier for her own happiness… Those things do come naturally to me. So I guess where I ended-up today is realizing that the way I am naturally is not nearly a picture of an ideal mom. A lot of things about parenthood go way against my nature. But maybe that’s the point. Parenthood is one more thing that God is using in my sanctification, one more way that He challenges me to not walk according to my flesh but in the Spirit. So no, I’m not really cut-out to be a great mom, but through his Spirit in me, I pray that He will transform me into a mom that will model some of His parenting traits to my children.