That song definitely belongs on the Sountrack of My Life…something I’ve been thinking for awhile that I should have…some great and totally incident-appropriate songs that play in the background while I go about my day…stirring and reflecting my ever-churning emotions… anyone know how I can install one of those? Oh wait, I was about to complain…
So, it’s finally 7 p.m. Thank GOD. It’s not so much that it was a bad day… it was just tiring. I’m not sure why, it’s not like I was doing a ton of physical labor or even that Evelyne was harder than usual to handle… Maybe it’s because I have Clay’s help over the weekend and I can actually sneak away to do things for myself like breakfast with friends and an afternoon nap. (He’s a GOOD husband!) Monday is just re-entry into real life with a young child.
Today Evelyne actually slept kinda late, 7:45 (this after months of us waking-up at 5 a.m., I EARNED this!), so thankfully I was pretty well-rested. I had my coffee, she had her Kix, watched a little Diego and a bit of Good Morning, America, and thus our day began. I’m just not sure how between then and now I got so TIRED! And how did my fuse get so short?
I’m not really a long-suffering, full of patience kind of person in general, that’s my husband. But I really want to be to my children. But she can just drive me craaaaazy! And it’s all the little things… grabbing and pushing things off the changing table while I’m changing her, not sitting still when I do her hair, pulling my books off the bookshelf…and the whining. OH the WHINING! Make it STOOOOPPPP!!!!! I know it’s normal, and I truly don’t believe she’s doing anything wrong. But when I’m tired, it just brings-out the worst in me and I snap at her and then I feel horrible and apologize because, my gosh, she’s a baby!
That whole post I wrote on Sacrificial Parenting? Yeah, I’ve learned all that not because I’m good at it, but because I’m BAD at it! I’m never more aware of my own selfishness and short fuse than when I’m with Evelyne. (or Clay, but that’s another post!) And I know it’s because God gave her to me so that He could use her to change me into a less selfish and more patient person. I know all that. But in the moment, my head just gets all crazy.
I was reading a book and rocking her before bed tonight, and I was wondering, “How in the WORLD am I going to do this with 2+ kids?” By myself. In Seattle. I know people do it every day, and you do what ya gotta do…but seriously. How hard is that gonna be?! Specifically when it’s the end of the day and Clay’s still at work and I’m just DONE. I know moms with more than one kid would say that they just learn how to do without your attention all the time. I know that’s a practical reality that can’t be avoided, but it’s also something I actively work against in my parenting, so I feel very unsatisfied by the thought that I’m gonna have kids crying for me and I’ll be busy doing something else. Some days I dream about having lots of kids, but times like now I wonder if I really have it in me to do this with multiple children day after day. I guess we’ll find out!
It really wasn’t a bad day. We went on a walk (although I really resent the fact that I broke a small sweat, cursed Memphis heat, it’s APRIL, back-OFF!), I cleaned-out my closet (FOUR garbage bags to Goodwill on top of the SIX I took a few months ago! Why am I such a hoarder?) ,and I watched some great HGTV. Evelyne was super-cute and made me laugh a lot. (especially when she got Clay’s underwear out of the clean laundry pile and ran around with them on her head!) So I don’t know why sometimes it seems so overwhelming. I think part of it is the reality of living with another person and having to love and work-through their quirks and meet their every needs all day. Every day. But I really wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.