Let’s be honest here…

Continuing with the theme of my recent post on Jesus-Shaped Spirituality, I’d like to touch-on what it could mean to have a theology of parenting that is wholly centered on the person of Jesus.  Since becoming a parent 18 months ago, this is something that I really haven’t heard much about in Christian parenting circles and literature.  Every once in awhile I’ll find a bite-sized piece somewhere that mentions the idea of Jesus offering wisdom for parenting, but in my experience, this is not a concept that is widely explored or taught.  

But why in the WORLD is that?  As Christians, the foundation of our faith is Christ.  Through his death and resurrection He offers us new life, and by His life and Spirit we are empowered to follow His example as we walk a road of discipleship.  In the Gospels He repeatedly asks us to follow Him, to be taught by Him, to reorient our lives around His leadership.  Shouldn’t this apply to parenting?  We are so happy to submit ourselves and our children to the teaching of men when it comes to caring for a baby and discipline, but do we look to Jesus in these areas?  We might pull-out a Bible verse here and there, usually one that doesn’t even apply, but do we look to His life and teachings to show us the way to parent?  

What happens to Jesus in the crush of the information pushers?  Unfortunately, he is usually pushed aside.  Many Christians do not even think of him as one with reliable information about their lives.  Consequently they do not become his students.  What does he have to teach them?  It is very common to find Christians who work hard to master a profession and succeed very well in human estimation, while the content of their studies contains no reference at all to Jesus or his teaching.  How could this be?……. Far too often he is regarded as hardly conscious.  He is taken as a mere icon, a wraithlike semblance of a man living on the margins of “real life” where you and I must dwell.  He is perhaps fit for the role of sacrificial lamb or alienated social critic, but little more.”                    -Dallas Willard in The Great Omission

 

I think Willard is touching on something huge here, something bigger than the small slice of life I’m talking about.  In general, we don’t trust that Jesus is smart enough to have something to contribute to what we’re doing, certainly not parenting when he didn’t even have his own kids.  How could our parenting journey be different if we looked to Jesus as our Teacher not only in overtly spiritual or “church” matters, but in the every day things like tantrums and naptime?  What if we applied His teachings found in the Gospels to our relationship with our kids?  If we looked to Him for guidance in our parenting decisions, even things like nursing and sleeplessness, maybe our souls would be conformed to his through the process of walking with him in these everyday acts and following the wisdom he offers if we would only ask.

See A Jesus-Shaped Theology of Parenting–Part 2

Since I found-out I was pregnant and have become a parent, I’ve found myself thrown into the weird world of “Christian parenting.”  We’ve had the opportunity to watch friends and acquaintances raise their children around us and have received advice on how to raise our kids.  I’ve read a bit of parenting literature that focuses on our job as parents being to teach our children the “Christian way” to act.  Sadly, I’ve found most of these resources sorely lacking in what I consider to be how Jesus would have us parent.  One thing that bothers me about typical Christian parenting is the tendency to demand from our children the fruit of the Spirit without showing them what those qualities actually look like. 

  Evelyne is still very young, 16 months, but she’s definitely old enough for me to lose my patience with her at times.  We’ve had our moments when I catch myself snapping at her, and my words and expectations can be rather demanding toward her.  I have noticed that in my effort to keep her safe and not destroy our belongings, my temptation is to give-in to the sinful desire to speak harshly to her in order to enforce a point.  It comes naturally, it’s the way we speak to dogs and the way we’re taught to speak to our children…otherwise how will they learn?  Something God has shown me is that one of the most important aspects of my parenting is my kindness toward her.  When I think of the example of Jesus and the way He interacted with children, it was not harsh or demanding, it was full of gentleness and kindness.  And the way He teaches and disciples me is not caustic in order to enforce a point, He guides me with grace.  If that is not the way He teaches me, why should I use that method with my toddler?

Colossians 3:12-13 says, “So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience; bearing with one another and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.  Beyond all these things, put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity.”

“Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person.” Colossians 4:6

I rarely see any Christian teaching on parenting that applies these kinds of verses to our relationship with our children.  One of the biggest aspects of my parenting is my own spiritual formation through the process.  God is using Evelyne to transform my heart to look more like His.  While I am responsible for teaching her about Jesus, I think that the way I show her Jesus is more important than my words.  How can I show her what He is like if I’m not living-out these verses in my relationship toward her?  How can I teach her about the kindness and gentleness of Christ if I am not being kind and gentle?  Why is our tendency as Christian parents to demand these qualities from our itty-bitty children when WE are the ones who are adult believers with the responsibility to live the fruit of the Spirit?  The burden of godly behavior should be on us, not our kids.

I’ve come to a place lately where I realize that I am much more responsible for myself and my heart than I am for hers.  The way I teach her the qualities of God is to live them out, not demand that she exhibit them in her childish flesh.  God holds me responsible for how I live-out the life of the Spirit in me with my kids, and it’s through a Spirit-led life that He will gently draw them to Him.  I don’t expect for kindness and patience to be perfected in my one year-old’s heart when she is so young and does not yet have the life of the Spirit.  How could she master these things when I am 27 and still haven’t?  She doesn’t have the spiritual resources or maturity to exhibit true kindness in all circumstances–but I do. 

I’ve found myself very convicted over this, more so as Evelyne grows older.  It’s so human of us to demand things from our kids, especially when it comes to their behavior.  But what about our behavior?  Are we as demanding upon ourselves in the way we treat them?  Sadly, most of the Christian parenting literature and advice that I’ve come across do not even mention this aspect of parenting. More emphasis is placed on making sure our kids are acting kind and our doing everything necessary to make sure they exhibit this spiritual quality than our own attitudes as parents and the way we are imitating Christ.  Somehow I think that teaching Evelyne about kindness will be a lot more effective if I’m showing it to her on a daily basis rather than just demanding it and yelling at her when she does not act kind.  I’m confident that the actual development of her kindness will be more of a work of the Spirit than a result of me squeezing it out of her.  I’m responsible for teaching her and modeling the qualities of Christ to her, but ultimately, I am responsible for my own soul before God, not hers.  So when she is not being kind to me or another child, I’m a lot more concerned that my reaction to her is one of kindness in order to show her what she should work toward than I am worried about trying to force the sin out of her.  Jesus will do that.  And I pray He will also give me the patience and kindness I lack because it is MY soul whose sin I am so desperately aware of. 

Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma.” Ephesians 5:1-2.

See also Assuming the Worst About our Kids

As Christians, we believe that we’re all born sinners, right?  Including our kids.  (some may disagree with at which point a child becomes accountable for their sin, but that’s neither here nor there)  Jesus saves us from our sin and ourselves.  Right? 

So, when we’re trying to raise our kids to love the Lord and follow Christ, why does so much of it center around behavior management?  Why do we punish our kids for sinning…and KEEP punishing them until they stop the undesirable behavior?  What are we trying to accomplish?   Are we holding them to a standard of perfection that they can never reach?  Are we punishing them for sins that we ourselves commit and receive no punishment for?  Why do we assume that we can teach our kids, through whatever means, to stop sinning?  Do we really think that through our teaching and punishment that we can root-out the sin that lives in their hearts?  That we can cure sin habits in an unregenerate child that we ourselves still struggle with?  If that were possible, they would need no savior, Christ would be irrelevant. 

Why do so many Christians parent as though Jesus was not the ONLY means through which our children have any hope of heart change…eventally resulting in behavior change?  Are we modeling the grace that we receive from the Gospel or setting a bar of moralism for our children?  Would we ever be content to let Christ work-out the details of our children’s sin issues without expecting them to solve it on their own before they even know how to speak a sentence?

And if our discipline is a “success,”…….the bad behavior is temporarily curbed….are our kids any closer to a relationship with Jesus?  Will it now be officially easier for them to open their heart to the Spirit?  Did we cure their sin?  Did their good behavior just gain them a free pass to heaven?  Are we really living the Gospel for our kids or just whitewashed moralism that sets them up for a lifetime of trying to “be good?”  I’m just wondering. 

What do you think?